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The 9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
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Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's
stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
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Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
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The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
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The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Cucumbers are better than men...
The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
Cucumbers are always hard.
A cucumber never has performance problems.
It's no problem to pick up a cucumber.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
Cucumbers will respect you. The next morning too.
Cucumbers won't ask, "Am I the first".
Cucumbers arn't concerned with your virginity.
Cucumbers won't tell.
Cucumbers don't have hang-ups.
Cucumbers don't kiss & run.
You can enjoy as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You can eat cucumbers whenever YOU feel like it.
Cucumbers won't ask for their rating, on a scale from 1 to 10.
Cucumbers won't make a scene if there are other cucumbers available.
Cucumbers don't mind hiding in your refridgerator when your mother comes over.
Cucumbers don't give hickeys.
No matter what your age is, you can get your own personal cucumber.
Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in a wet spot.
Cucumbers won't leave you wondering for a month.
Cucumbers won't tell you that a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
Cucumbers never forget to flush the toilet.
Cucumbers don't compare you to centerfolds.
Cucumbers don't tell you that you look better with long hair.
A cucumber will never leave you for another woman, another man, another cucumber.
A cucumber won't tell you that he's outgrown you intellectually.
Cucumbers won't expect you to have little cucumbers.
Cucumbers are easy to discard.
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